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(Romans 6 verse 6: We know that our old self was put to death on the execution-stake with Him, so that the entire body of our sinful propensities might be destroyed, and we might no longer be enslaved to sin.) CJB


“Hephzibah, 35 years ago I gave you back your life. I would like you now to give that life back to Me. (In 1982, 35 years ago I had a bilateral mastectomy because of breast cancer and Father-God healed me completely.)

“Crucify yourself for Me, My Love. Become a dead body to the world so that I can give you a resurrected body in the spirit in return.”

“But how, Abba Father?” I asked, totally stunned.

“To crucify yourself is a daily process, little one. To live a resurrected life is to be exalted above the daily weaknesses in this world - to become a spectator and to look down upon them and not to be a role-player any longer.”

In the vision I immediately had a glimpse of our beloved Yahushua hanging on the cross. I noticed and understood: While hanging there, our Master was not touching the soil of this earth anymore. For a few hours He was elevated and He was looking down upon the people, the mocking crowd, but also upon His suffering mother and those who really loved Him. He became a spectator and was no role-player anymore. As He breathed out the breath of life, He was taken back to His Father. The world could still see Him but could not hurt Him any longer.

“Hephzibah, to be crucified is to hang on the cross, and not to be connected to whatever so deeply betray you. Become a spectator of the poor in spirit, of those who hurt and try to downgrade you. Do not be part of the ball game of satan anymore.

“I so deeply love you little one. Just keep on going. Do not lose faith. Remember My covenant: ‘I will never leave nor forsake you.’”

“Father, I do not fully understand what You ask from Me, but one day in Your courts is better than a lifetime without You.”

“Please tell me Abba: ‘How are these things affecting me?”

“I crucified My beloved Son so that you could have life, and life in abundance. And now Hephzibah, I want you to crucify your heart for Me. Place your whole life on the altar. Do this for Me, My little one. Keep on going and I will reward you.

“You must crucify yourself so that many people can be saved. The price you have paid and still do, has no human value, but I will reward you. I delight in you.”

Tears started to soak my pillow. With trembling lips, I whispered:

“But Abba, it feels as if You have deserted me, as if I am just carrying on without purpose. Is this how You want me to progress?”

“Come My little one. Come and lay down. I want to nail you to the cross.

“First give Me your hands one by one and then I will tie your feet.”

A wooden cross was moved into position and I obeyed. One by one I stretched my arms sideways on the cross-bar with my body and legs balanced on the centre pole.

I closed my eyes and waited.

“Do you feel something?” was the last I heard.

The very next moment a pain, a deep unbearable hurt was driven through my heart like an iron pin.

“Where are You, Father? Why have You abandoned me, my God? I cried, but just a deep silence, a nothingness, followed.

“God, Abba, where are You?” I called louder.

Then, softly like a breath, a whisper, He answered:

“Inside you, My love. Deep hidden inside you.

“I also feel your pain and experience your sorrow. Close your eyes and look into mine. Let your love for Me become an echo and your obedience unto Me a flash of lightning, brightening up your face so that you could sparkle like a piece of heaven before Me.

“Look at Me, sweetest little one, and you will no longer feel rejection and hurt. The glow of your love overshadows any pain. I deeply love you, because you so honestly love Me with the heart of a child. As from today you are dead to the pain of the world. When people hurt you, I will feel the pain.

“You have been resurrected from the grave.”

The pain subsided and a sensing of a thousand cuddles covering my body, left me speechless.

I have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who live, but it is Christ who lives in me. The life that I now live in the flesh, I live in faith, faith in the Son of God, Who loves me and Who gave His life for me.


To me this heavenly experience on the cross was an absolute eye-opener. Understanding anew that He lives in me and feels my pain and shares in my dismay and sufferings, made me humble. He in me and I in Him.

To willingly lay down in the spirit to be crucified, is to be prepared to get rid of my own way of doing things, my own will and ideas and to become a dead body to the world. When breathing out my last breath, my old heart of stone gets slashed to pieces and I step into the cleft of the Holy presence of my Father; to become one with Him.

Now it is no longer I who live, but He who lives in me. I now obey the will of my Father because I love Him. Like the Messiah I proclaim: ‘It is not about my desire, but about Your will for my life.’

Unless we are prepared to be crucified in the flesh, we will not be resurrected in the spirit to sit in heavenly places and to rule and reign with Him.

I went down on my knees and once again surrendered myself, to become a willing tool, a vessel of use in the hand of an honourable Yahuwah God.